deram

so here's another dream. perhaps the scariest one i've had in my entire life:
so for a logn while I'm chilling with the Wilcox family, and their older son who seems to be some kind of hybrid between my cousin BJ and Mitch Jones from the La Dehesa ward. We do something with some very spiffy looking folders at the Pres' work and later in the evening i get a ride home. We are in a small 5 passenger car. whit's at the wheel and i'm in the passenger seat. jenna is in the seat behind me and my mom is behind whitney. strange enough - and we know how these things seem to fit into dreams - my mom and jenna where standing at their seats instead of sitting cause they were crocheting. Well i can't remember why but whitney had to do something so she had me steer while she was busy doing something. she got pretty caught up in it so i would say brake or stop whenever needed. the picture is still pretty clear in my mind when we were driving down some road, speeding under the streetlights. it was pouring rain by this time and there were hardly any other cars out. whitney was getting really caught up in whatever she was doing. so when i would say brakes she wouldn't really notice. eventually when the car got going pretty fast i was barely in control. the car started going up on the curve and sometimes on the sidewalk. i remember when we got to the rotonda i was getting worried. after screaming out "BRAKES" several times i decided we needed to stop. so i started saying "stop the car! stop the car!" i was sure something would go wrong. but whitney was really focused on whatever it was she was doing. after speeding down a few more blocks i could see the bridge over the river coming up. as i tried to steer from the passenger seat i saw us heading off the road right before the bridge. at this moment i knew that if we didn't get the car doors open before we drove into the river that we'd be dead for sure. so i called out "open your doors! open your doors" well fortunately whitney started braking and we managed to stop on the side of the road about half way over the bridge. well as mentioned before the rain was really coming down hard, and the streets were flooding with water. through my passenger window i could see the water rushing by along the gutter. it was probably 1 or 2 feet deep. Well after this little adventure jenna stepped out of the car. she took a few steps but soon enough the current from the rain water pulled her feet from under her. she was quickly swept with her hands flailing back behind the car. then a car came from behind us with its headlights on. it slowed down but eventually the current took jenna right under its front right wheel and then the back right wheel. i'm sure jenna would've been alright except for her choice of clothing. the second wheel caught on jenna skirt pulling it tight around her abdomen. her arms once again flailing and she gasped for air. jenna died.

nothingness

ever just stared off into space? sometimes the ignorant stranger may look and suspect a profound moment of thought and whatnot. well the truth is its not. its the most pathetic pass time in all of ones life - not living at all. not thinking or listening, or even noticing a screaming customer or a beeping register. you're just there. who knows if your eyes are opened or closed, if you're standing or sitting. none of it really matters, only that you are - at that point - nothingness. though some people see this as a beautifully simple blank slate, allowing the awesomesness of the universe seep through every pore of man, i see this as the downfall of man. imagine this whole text. imagine this whole page blank. nothing there. i'm not talking about the potential in a writers work or in a composers masterpiece. i'm talking about the lack of work in such. if this page were blank it would be because i didn't think this or I thought it and let it pass into the nothingness. i returned to my 'awesome blank slate'. this is the amazing power of silence - of nothing. An absolute lack of movement, of color, or contrast and unity. Powerless to move someone, it doesn't inspire or influence. if anything it shows how little we are living. how many empty wholes exist in our reality. a blank pages only symbolizes what was not. what could have been but (for some ridiculously lazy and pathetic reason) was not.

avoiding sleep

last night i dreamt the presidency was between bill clinton and justin timberlake. on top of that my room was infested with nasty orange-brown shiny spiders since i rarely clean it. i've been having strange dreams for the last few nights. and tonight i just don't want to. most of my friends decided to go to bed. wow is getting old and i've been watching tv shows all day. i didn't know what to do instead. i made a sick joke about dying in a river and then i realized. that sounds great. no worries. not the dying part. just the river thing. i crossed the street to raintree where there's a bridge to the provo river trail. as i walked down i got to see the yellow glowing light posts reflect across the water. i wish i could make this sound how it looked. some of the water would move faster and some was slower. some waves were big and some where small. after walking for a while, mesmerized by the reflections of the lights, i decided to sit and stare. then i had to touch it - so clear, fresh. i found a good path down and got to the water. it seems like the water on the banks is always nastier. i could see scum and crap. but i found a rock i could jump to towards the middle of the river. when i got my balance i enjoyed letting the water run through my fingers and across my palm. at first it would quickly take the warmth from my hands. but after a bit they were both about the same temperature. i had to let my feet feel it. i tossed my shoes to the side and peeled my socks off. one foot at a time - i doubted i would be able to balance on slippery rocks. after feeling the same, i began to slash some river on my face. after a bit my hair, arms, legs, almost all of me was happily refreshed by this wonderful river.
yay for that. now i have to go to bed. what will happen tonight?

so i decided that life sucks but its good. emphasis on the good part.

this is in honor of a wonderful post that expresses my feelings very nicely but i cannot it put up because in publicly expressing myself my life would be all the more difficult. the very topic of this post would prove its point, and believe me, i wish this were not the case. perhaps i'll save it somewhere and hope that when i'm long gone someone will read it and not connect it to any person in particular, rather read it as the writings of man. and so, in honor of the writings of man, which you are not prepared to know...

its crazy how many people cant write. yet they do anyways. its like they think they have a right to expression even though it destroys other peoples lives. its also crazy how sucky writers usually have some pretty intense crap to write about. maybe intense isnt the right word, but for sure profound. so i was thinking ... thats where most of this stuff starts... how does someone become a certain someone. not just a random someone... but i'm thinking people have dreams, to be a kind of person, or someone, how does that person become the someone they want to be. you'd think that if they wanted it that badly and it was possible then they would already be such a person. so is it because he or she doesn't really want what they 'want' rather they feel better about themselves when they make up some desire or goal? im pretty sure lots of people want lots of things, maybe even to the point of expressing such desires to a friend, family member or (my personal favorite) a complete stranger - primarily because if its a complete stranger they won't know you enough to be able to use anything that you actually think/care about against you. however most of the time ones dreams are simply means of entertainment - nothing to be taken seriously and surely not something to work towards. no. life sucks but it deff works the way it is. america will have to invent a better word than sucky before life gets to the point that its actually worth fixing. so is there a way to become the someone you desire to be? am i just entertaining myself with visions of a Me 2.0? i would hope not. i spend 15 bucks on wow a month for entertainment. so then why? are we just idiots and have to crave that which is impossible to attain? nah. i see the someone i want to become all over the place, in dozens of other people. i'm pretty sure its possible. so the true question is, when your heart wants something but you yourself - encompassing all habits, experience, likes and dislikes, beliefs, friends, sock colors and favorite icecream flavors - is against it, what do you do? i really dont know how these blog things work, so if someone is looking for some kind of clarity... sucks to be you. cause i havent figured it out yet. im still not totally against the 'you dont really want it' philosophy. maybe i partially want it, and that part also wants the rest of me to want it...one more thing thats crazy...how people arent internally logical. they contradict all over the place.